I don’t recall ever feeling anything quite like this. I know people talk about getting that feeling, like something bad is gonna happen, but this thing that I feel is like… sensing the approaching doom of something. But it’s like it’s happening in multiple spots, to different people, gradually. We’re all part of it, playing it, and I can feel things gradually deteriorating in all directions, very slowly. But it’s started speeding up now. It’s building. It’s building and soon existence is going to peak and then I won’t know what anything is anymore. No one will. And it’s like watching a movie that you can’t pause or turn off. Everyone is continuing to draw closer to this inevitable disaster and they can’t see it or sense it. Tama can, though- my cat. Sometimes I can feel his anxiety, you know? Ever since we moved, I know he can feel that things aren’t right. There are disturbances in the world and the atmosphere; in the time and this dimension. And things are already bad, bad things happening, but they’re almost like shadows of what’s really to come. Like it’s saying, “No, I’m only getting started. We’re not finished yet,” and then comes the feeling of hopelessness, that anything and everything is out of my control. It will never get better. Bad things have moved in and they’re not leaving and soon they will start turning every good thing and every joyous feeling into little mushrooms of doubt and self-destruction that grow in the pits of our stomachs, eventually making their way into our minds… It’s just a real bad feeling, one that I fear I am cruelly being given as a glimpse into something none of us will ever know. If this is the ethereal, I don’t want any part of it.
Posted on January/28/2013
, #far away
, #giving up
"That’s poetry. I’m full of poetry now. Rot and poetry. Rotten poetry."
Ernest Hemingway in “The Snows of Kilimanjaro”
You say I need appeasing when I start to cry.
I’m listening to Fiona Apple’s “Never Is A Promise” right now, as I think about my current existence. I listen to this song a lot, if I’m wanting to think or reflect. It’s comfortable. I don’t know. There are things I need to do. It’s just difficult to focus on responsible things when personal things have your heart in wringing knots. Oh bother :(
Posted on March/29/2012
, #never is a promise
, #fiona apple
I’m just so completely done with trying to figure out if this is all worth it. If you’re worth it.
No matter how much I fool myself, it always ends the same.
I am not capable of participating in this true love game.
Guess what happened yesterday? No cavities! No new ones, anyway… I still have a huge one (that’s almost reached the nerve!) in one of my wisdom teeth. I’m getting that sucker yanked out…
Another car conversation.
Bill did the talking this time. Or at least a lot of it. He had a bad day, was confused, frustrated. I gave advice, gave examples, and told him about the time I had mono. Things will get better, Bill. Chill the eff out, yo. :)
I sat in a car tonight with my friend Bill.
It’s where we talk. About a lot of things. Mostly fitness and dreams and what we want to achieve out of life. Lately, it’s been a lot of serious conversations. More serious than they usually are. Tonight was the most difficult. The only laughing was on my end, as I tried to make light of the situation, but to no avail. He had a poker face the entire time. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever grow up already and get my ass in gear and GET WHAT I WANT. Bill has been trying to break me out of this socially-impaired, protective shell that I’ve built around myself and I keep rejecting all of his attempts. And I do it without even thinking. It’s like a reflex. It’s really easy to act like you have a way with people if you’re just a fleeting moment in their lives, if you smile and laugh, make them laugh, tell a joke, be a goof, have a completely serious conversation, all while looking at the floor, the table, your hands, the walls, anything but their eyes. But the moment you box me in and you never look away and I feel your eyes burning into my face, while you talk about such serious little things like “what do you want out of your life?” all hell breaks loose in my mind. I fidget, I look away, I stray from the topic, I smile bashfully, I joke about nothing, all while doing it half subconsciously and all the while your gaze never falters. Eventually, I crack. The idiotic smile is wiped off my face and I try to be serious, while my guts are twisting in knots. You’re trying to help and I appreciate that. I just hope I don’t end up completely destroying you, because I’m fucking good at it.